Hey, Paul, I checked the etiquette handbook on this one.
Having all your friends lug your furniture
up 4 flights of stairs to your new apartment
is not, technically, a housewarming party.
How can I thank you guys?
I mean, 8 solid, sweaty hours of moving.
How can I ever repay you?
Will this be all together?
No, no, no. Separate checks.
Hey, James. You got that 10 bucks you owe me?
Sure. Here you go.
I'm sorry I let go of that armoire.
That thing would have gone
all the way down to the bottom of the stairs
if James hadn't reached out and stopped it with his face.
Hey, James. You got that 10 bucks you owe me?
Sure.
Well, Paul, your new apartment
confirms your status as the cheapest man alive.
I didn't take that apartment because of the price.
I wanted to move to Harlem.
I happen to appreciate its rich cultural heritage.
Paul, tell me one thing about Harlem's rich
cultural heritage that you appreciate.
The globetrotters.
Finally, the olympic torch will be
arriving here tomorrow on its way to Sydney.
Sidney?
Why does Sidney get the torch, Mike?
He gets everything.
Sydney, Australia, James.
Not Sidney in accounting.
Ok, then.
A Nigerian delegation will hand the torch off to the mayor,
who will then run a ceremonial lap
around city hall carrying the flame.
Stuart, you will run a ceremonial lap around city hall
carrying a fire extinguisher.
Mike, why don't you just tell us this tomorrow?
Because tomorrow I am going to be on vacation,
as you all know perfectly well.
Oh, poppycock.
Mike, that means nonsense
when translated from the gay.
He's right, Mike.
I've never even seen you take a day off.
You worked last Christmas.
I wasn't the only one here.
There was also Murray Goldstein...
And, of course, Sidney in accounting.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, sir. You all ready for your run tomorrow?
I don't know, Mike.
Pulled my groin this morning.
Oh, no.
Yeah. Felt so good, I pulled it again.
I've been killing with that all day.
Isn't Mike just the cutest,
the way he opens his letters?
Oh, yeah. I get all woozy
whenever I see the mail cart coming.
So, what's with you?
I can't take it anymore.
Mike this, Mike that, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
It's like Chinese Mike torture.
Fine, I won't mention Mike again.
Thank you.
From now on I'll call him Arthur.
As in king Arthur of Camelot.
Oh, that'll be much less annoying.
Ohhhhhh.
When I was a little girl, I used to dream that
I was gwenevere and my big pillow was Arthur.
Oh, yeah. I used to play the same game.
Except my pillow was gwenevere
and I was sir humpalot.
Watch it. Arthur is sacred to me.
Who's Arthur?
Nikki's new boyfriend.
That's it, suckers. I'm on vacation.
Hey, Mike. Did you hear Nikki's got a new boyfriend?
Really?
No... no kidding, that's, uh...
That's great, Nikki. I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
What's he do?
Yeah. What's he do?
He, uh...
Makes swords.
I wouldn't think there'd be
much call for that anymore.
What with the invention of the gun.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't we have dinner together?
How about tomorrow night?
Can you make reservations for us at the landmark?
Sure, Mike.
Get ya a nice, round table.
Carter, janelle. My peeps.
What did he call us?
I just wanted to tell you guys
how much I love it up in Harlem.
I just didn't want to say it around... them.
Who's them, Paul?
You know...
White people.
Ohhhh. Them.
Hey, janelle. You know you and Paul
only live a few blocks from each other.
You two should do things together.
You know, it's true.
I mean, we could hang, you know, in the hood.
In fact, maybe we could share cabs to work.
Oh, yeah. Maybe now I can actually get one.
I tell ya, I love it up there.
I mean, you have the restaurants and the shops...
and the music. Well, I've always loved the black music.
Paul, 2 weeks ago you thought
puffy combs was a breakfast cereal.
Well, that was then, girlfriend.
Morning, guys.
Morning.
James?
I owe you $10, don't I?
This is gonna be heaven.
A whole week without the boss.
Hey, good morning, everybody.
Welcome to day one of my vacation.
Mike, the Nigerian delegation is here with the torch.
Ah... ah... ah. I'm on vacation.
I'll take care of it.
I can't believe they'd let
a live flame into city hall.
I mean, other than Carter.
This is just sad.
You mean sad in a kind of cool way, right?
No. Sad in a star trek convention kind of way.
(IMITATING CAPTAIN KIRK) Mike. You need to explore new worlds.
To investigate new experiences.
To boldly go away from the office for at least...
One day.
You can do that impression that well,
and I'm the sad one.
Wakim is the speed walking champion of our country.
Fi fun mayor yin ni je nkan nla, gbogbo aralu.
I got "fun mayor."
He says presenting the mayor with the olympic torch
is a great honor for him
and his entire village.
You know, I consider myself quite the Walker.
I could blow the doors off this guy.
Now we'll be entering the rotunda,
which was built by mayor fiorello LA guardia in 1941.
This way. Come on, people. We're walking here.
Let's go. We're walking.
Walking?
Mike, the parameters within which you've defined yourself
are all work-oriented, leaving little or no opportunity
for you to grow through normal social interaction.
English, please.
Get a life.
Well, we're a little testy today, aren't we, doc?
Having troubles at home with Mrs. shrink?
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
Look, Mike, why don't we try
a little word association, ok?
Corral.
I'm sorry, I thought we started.
Look, I don't think you can decipher
complex human behavior by playing a little...
home. Work.
Damn.
Fun. Office.
What? Did they call?
And you honestly don't think you have
an abnormal attachment to your job?
No, I don't.
Why do you have a picture of city hall on your wall?
Did anybody see a half-naked man
speed walk through here with a torch?
Not today.
Mike's gonna kill me.
Wait here. I'll be right back.
Carter.
We've got to do something.
Paul's out of control.
Janelle, Paul is just trying
to assimilate into his new community.
Don't you think you're overreacting a little?
Hey, everybody.
Hey, I almost bought that hat.
Boy, wouldn't that have been embarrassing, huh?
Guess what I got at lunch.
Upholstered?
Janelle, Claudia and I got some extra tickets
for this Saturday night's def comedy jam.
We're gonna be front row.
Close enough so the comics can talk to us.
Oh. I've got an ad on the Internet,
I'm making calls.
How hard is it to find a single,
attractive, sword-making Arthur?
I got one.
He works in fashion, he loves the opera,
and every Friday night he goes dancing with his buddies.
He sounds gay.
I know. I said I got one.
Come on. Let us take you to lunch.
Carter's treat.
No, I gotta stay here.
All right.
This is hopeless.
(TRUMPETS PLAY)
Hi, I'm Arthur.
Ok, Mike, I'm afraid our time is up.
I think we made a lot of progress today.
I hope you're feeling better.
Ok, go do something fun.
You're right, doc.
I'm not setting foot
in the office again today.
Nope, no work.
(CHEERING)
They're not making this easy for me.
All right. We got an hour to find torch man.
What would Mike do in this situation?
Mike?
No, no, no. I'm not even here.
Think, guys. Where should we look?
First word.
Sounds like...
Shmembassy.
Police chief carney's on one.
What do we tell him?
Well, tell him if he ever grabs my ass again,
I'm calling his wife.
All right, I'm coming in.
Ah-ah.
I'm gonna tell him to put out an all-points bulletin.
No!
Hi, chief. Yeah, it's Mike.
Listen, we want to stay kind of low-key on this,
so just tell your patrolmen
to keep their eyes open, all right?
What's he wearing?
He's carrying a torch.
All right, great.
Stuart, James, find out where
the tour bus lets off, all right?
Stacy, get me the Nigerian consulate
on the phone.
Nice vacation.
Yeah, I'm enjoying myself.
Mike, you're sitting in your in box.
This is weird. You have a problem.
Well, my... my feet have not touched that floor.
You're wrong, you know.
I don't have a problem.
I'm not crazy.
And I can make that jump.
Paul, the mayor wants you to schedule
a press conference after his torch run.
Word up.
Carter.
If it doesn't stop,
I'm gonna beat this man.
Paul, I know you probably don't realize it,
but what you're actually doing is playing into
every offensive ethnic stereotype in the book.
Just keepin' it real, yo.
Janelle, beat this man.
Paul, you're not black.
No more dashikis,
no more street lingo,
and please, please,
stop talking like you're Barry white.
(IN LOW VOICE) Oh, come on, baby.
Next time we do that, I'm wearing a saddle.
Whoa! Total deja vu.
All right. I bought us a couple of hours with the Nigerian delegates.
They're in my office watching reruns of thirtysomething.
Thank God for lifetime.
We're scouring the city for this guy, sir.
Well, as soon as you find him, you let me know.
I can be ready at a moment's notice.
Check out the quads.
Uh, Mike, the tour bus lets off
at the circle line boat dock.
Ok, great, I'm going down there.
Who's coming with me?
I'll take bishop tutu.
Well, he's not below deck.
He's not at the stern.
I thought I saw a torch back there,
but it was just some kids trying to set a pigeon on fire.
What?
Yeah. The thing is, though,
it must happen more than we think,
because the other pigeons knew exactly how to put him out.
Oh, thank God.
You know what? He's not here.
So I say we get off this boat before...
It leaves the dock.
For 2 1/2 hours.
Now what?
Well, we're gonna be on this tub for a while,
so I say we make the most of it.
I'm the deputy mayor of the world!
So I actually don't make swords per se.
I restore them for museums and galleries.
Are your eyes really that blue?
Colored contacts.
I don't care. I like them.
When your boss comes by tonight,
I'm your new boyfriend. I got that down.
But tell me a little bit about me.
Am I into you?
My friends think you're obsessed.
Hey, let 'em talk.
You know, I should probably tell you,
I kind of made you into a fantasy guy.
You know, I said you liked music.
I have season tickets to the met.
Said you're outdoorsy. Mountain biker.
I also said that you have a fabulous sense of humor.
So how many dates have we been on?
Oh, a bunch. You know, we're not touchy-feely,
but we probably hold hands.
Or, uh, if you had a strand of hair in your face,
I might push it back behind your ear?
That would work.
And I bet sometimes,
even though there are people around,
I can't help giving you a little kiss.
If you can't help it, you can't help it.
Well, this is gonna be really...
(RETCHING SOUNDS)
Is he down there, Paul?
I don't see him, Mike.
Poor guy, he's out there, he's alone.
He's gotta be scared.
I, too, walk the earth alone.
Paul, you're a big white guy in a dashiki.
You're lucky you walk the earth at all.
All right, take it easy,
I'm down. Stop kicking.
Where could he go, though, you know?
He's a stranger in a strange land,
he's one of the huddled masses.
He's poor,
tired, he's hungry.
MIKE: Paul, do you see 2 torches over there?
This flame was lit atop mount Olympus
and then run halfway around the world,
and now it's my responsibility
to further its journey, a journey into history.
History in this case being a brisk walk down the block
where you'll hand it to Jason brodowski,
the 11-year-old pie-eating champion of far rockaway.
Well, here I go.
Keeper of the flame that never dies.
Wakim...
Let's do it.
Ah, screw it.
Stacy, get Nikki on the phone.
Tell her I can't meet her and Arthur for dinner tonight.
What?
Mike, you're, uh...
working? Yeah, I know. I love it.
Daddy's home, boys.
This is hopeless.
Let me give it a shot.
No, no. Listen to the man, Stacy. There's no...
Mike, you're Arthur.
What?
You're so busy with work,
you're too stupid to notice.
Who's the man?
I'm Arthur.
Oh, great.
I was gonna change my name to Mohammed.
Hey, Nikki.
Hey, Mike.
Listen, I gotta tell ya, I'm, uh...
Really happy about this whole Arthur thing.
You know, he's here.
What?
Oh.
Guess "he" is.
I don't wanna screw this up. I really like this guy.
Well, Nikki, maybe he likes you, too.
I mean, maybe Arthur
has been in therapy for a while,
and he's starting to see
what's really important.
Arthur doesn't seem like the kind of guy
who would need therapy.
Nikki, look, Arthur may look perfect on the outside, but...
He's got a lot of issues.
You know, I was on a boat today,
and the thought occurred to me
that you and Arthur might enjoy a little weekend cruise.
That's sweet.
Thank you. Thank you, buddy.
I'm Arthur.
Excuse me? What?
Then, uh...
Then who am I?
This cruise goes to the Bahamas.
That's really generous, man. Thank you.
Hey, Arthur.
What's an $800 cruise for a complete stranger?
Bon voyage.
Thanks, Mike.
Must work.
I just wanna say I'm sorry for the way I've been acting.
It's just, I wanted to belong, you know?
I understand, Paul, but the only way to do that
is to stop trying so hard.
Be yourself.
I promise.
I'm me again.
You can start by taking off the hat.
Uh-uh.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.